FORSAITH

In the last week I’ve had 3 different conversations with people who all said the same thing in their own way, “ I find it so uncomfortable to say no".

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They wanted to understand why it feels so uneasy, why the word “no” gets stuck in their throat, and why instead of speaking their truth, they default to yes... and then end up feeling resentful afterwards.

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It’s such a common pattern. Why does saying "no" feel so hard? Where that conditioning comes from? What does it cost us? and how we can start building the courage to change it?

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A few years back, a friend asked me to help her out with a big project. Clearing out her house so it was ready to put on the market. Inside, I knew I didn’t have the time or the energy. Every part of me wanted to say no.

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But guess what came out of my mouth? “Yes, of course, no problem.”

 

And here’s what happened: I ended up exhausted, resentful and secretly annoyed at her...when really, the person I’d abandoned was myself.

 

That’s the cost of not saying “no”.

 

The whole time I was there, I felt resentful, drained, pissed off. And on the way home, I’m kicking myself. Why didn’t I just be honest and speak my truth?

 

Here’s why.

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Our brains are wired for survival. Back in the day, a zillion caveperson years ago, rejection meant danger. If you were kicked out of the tribe, you didn’t survive.

So now, saying “no” feels like the same kind of threat.

 

And add to that the fear of disappointing people, of being seen as selfish, or maybe losing connection with them. Not great.

 

So we do what feels safer: we abandon ourselves to keep someone else comfortable.

 

And it goes deeper. Many of us grew up being praised for being the ‘good child,’ the one who kept the peace and didn’t make a fuss. We learned early on in life that approval equaled love.

That conditioning doesn’t vanish when we grow up. It follows us into work situations,  relationships and friendships. That little voice is there saying “Keep everyone happy. Don’t rock the boat.” So as adults, saying "no" feels not just uncomfortable, but unsafe.

 

But here’s the problem.

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Saying yes works...until it doesn’t.

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Because people-pleasing costs you. Your energy. Your health. Your sense of self. Every "yes" that isn’t real, chips away at us. It breeds resentment. And negativity. And the crazy thing? People can sense it. They trust us less when our “yes” isn’t honest.

 

Let’s just dive a little deeper for a second. 

 

Here’s what’s actually happening in your brain when you want to say "no".

There’s a tiny almond-shaped part of your brain called the amygdala...it’s basically your fear alarm system. Its whole job is to scan for danger and keep you safe. Back in caveperson days, if you saw a lion, your amygdala fired up instantly: “Danger! Run!”

 

Now fast forward to today. You’re not facing a lion...you’re just trying to say" no" to dinner with a friend, or turning down extra work from your boss. But your amygdala doesn’t know the difference. It still fires up and floods your body with fear signals: sweaty palms, racing heart, tight chest.

 

Your nervous system jumps into survival mode. Fight, flight, freeze… or fawn. Fawning is that “keep the peace” or “don’t rock the boat” response...the one where you agree, you smile, you say "yes" even though inside you’re screaming “no”. It’s your body’s way of saying: “If I keep them happy, I’ll stay safe.”

 

And here’s where it gets sneaky: every time you say "yes" and get that little nod of approval, your brain rewards you with dopamine...the feel-good chemical. That hit reinforces the habit. So your brain thinks: “See? That worked. Do it again next time.”

 

Which is why breaking the pattern of saying "yes", feels so uncomfortable. You’re literally rewiring your brain and nervous system when you start practicing “no” and choosing courage.

 

And here’s the golden nugget: saying “no” isn’t rejecting others. It’s honouring yourself.

 

And courage? It’s a muscle. You don’t start with the big no’s. You start small. You practice. And your body learns: “I’m still safe.”

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Courage isn’t something you’re born with. It’s not a personality trait. It’s a muscle.

And like any muscle, you don’t start by lifting the heaviest weight in the gym. You start small. You build strength. You let your body...and your nervous system...learn: “I’m safe.”

 

So, what does that look like in real life?

 

Maybe instead of immediately saying "yes" to every request, you practice a tiny pause. Someone asks you for something and instead of answering right away, you say: “Let me check what I’ve got on and get back to you.” That’s a baby step. You didn’t abandon yourself, and you didn’t upset anyone either.

 

Or maybe you practice with really low-stakes “no’s”. Like when the waiter asks if you’d like dessert, and you say: “No, thank you.” You notice your body tense, and then...nothing bad happens. You survived.

 

Another one: set a boundary with yourself. Maybe it’s as simple as: “I’m not checking emails after 8pm.” It’s a “no” to overworking, and a "yes" to your own rest.

 

Every time you do one of these tiny “no’s”, you’re proving to your nervous system: “Look. I said no. And I’m still safe. I’m still loved. The world didn’t end.”

 

That’s how courage grows. It’s built rep by rep, no by no. Until one day, you’ve got the strength to say the big no’s — the ones that really matter.

 

And here’s the beautiful thing: with every "no", you’re actually saying a bigger "yes". A "yes" to your truth. A "yes" to your energy. A "yes" to the life you’re creating.

 

So the next time you’re tempted to say "yes" when you really mean "no"… pause. Breathe.

 

Remember: your “no” matters. And the cost of not saying it… is always higher.